1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
Whoa... An email to Julie...
So this is the email I just sent to Julie. And it's the honest... honest truth. I would swear it on... Lucy (my puppy's) life. Omg... enjoy...
Hey...
*written after I wrote the rest of the email* This is an outpouring of thoughts. But don't be skerd. You'll be pleasantly surprised! But remember... I'm insane. Really... I am. But I'm sure you figured that out long ago. Especially you. You knew I had something special... Too bad it's that I'm nutso. Eh.
Some basic things... Heh.
I'm scared of never having that picket fence... that first drive to kindergarden... those weekends at the lake... that Bud Light after a hard day at work. I am. And that's what I'm mourning for the most. That certainty. Specifically. Is gone. I had such wonderful dreams of you and I in that magical life of the above-mentioned. Realistic ones, too, I believe. But somewhere along the way... I can't pinpoint the exact day or anything... you and I parted ways in the idea of "our future together". And boy... is that okay!
I've realized I still have so much living to do. I have so many people to meet. So many places to visit. So many dreams to live out. And this present time is the beginning of exploring in my life. Exploring a world that is just out there waiting for me to grab hold and ride like I've never rode before! And if you and I were still trying to stay together... neither of us would have been able to grow... to learn how to live independently... or how to have dreams of our own.
You see.... We were so close to each other at on time. Heck... I believe we still are in certain ways. But... you know what I mean... we had that "soulmate" quality to our relationship once. If we had tried staying together... we would have only learned of each other and not of everyone else. I hope I make sense.
Not talking to you for a full week has killed me. There were so many times I picked up my cell phone and dialed the first six numbers to your pager. And then I said, "No. I told her two weeks. This isn't just for me. I know she's thinking things over, too." So I hang up and tried to change my thoughts. You know... read a trashy romance novel or something. Duh! *hair flip*
Knew I'd get you to smile if you've read this far. Gotcha!
You know.... Honestly... I was just going to send you an email to say good luck with school this next week. You start Monday, right? But then I sat there for a moment... And I thought of all of the things that crossed my mind this week concerning you... And all of the above came out of me. *whew*
Uhm.. Let me say this too while I'm at it. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for the way I tried to say goodbye. I'm sorry for being pigheaded and overly-sensitive. I'm sorry for trying to manipulate you into going back out with me. Unintentional... But still manipulating.
I have a feeling that if you and I resume talking... and go back to being a little more comfortable talking to each other... that we'll be flirty for a while. That that is just us. And one day we'll both know when it's time to stop saying certain things to each other. You see... We've been acting like it's wrong to say how we feel. And... at times we have said things that are inappropriate for our "relationship status".... I just mean that I'll always call you "Hon" or "Sweetie" until I know the time those names become inappropriate also. Make sense?
You know... Who knows our future other than The One Who Does The Planning? No one. Not a soul. "Our" referring to everyone... not just you and me.
But just to let you know... Things are straightening out in my head. I would say call me whenever... but I know you won't call until I page you. You have got some willpower, girlfriend! Anyway... I'll give you a buzz (literally?), when I know the time is right. I'll definitely give you enough time to receive this email and think it over before I call. I'm assuming you'll be able to check your mail when you start school Monday. Oh! Again... good luck and study hard! *rah rah rah*
Heh. Possibly smile number two? Yay!
From the one who wrote you a book,
Mal