1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
And... the story of my... fucked-up-ness.
So I left home on Wednesday. Big fight with Daddy. Told him I couldn't stay in the house alone with him. I stayed with Kel.
Wed. - Dinner then off to Fed.
Thur. - Went to Colton's. Saw Finding Nemo. Dinner. Fed.
Fri. - Called in to Colton's. Washed clothes at her mom's house and went to a MAGY (Memphis Area Gay Youth) meeting. Fed.
*sigh* I don't want to talk about the damn fight with my parents anymore. I can't explain it right... and the people that can actually help are all here in town... Sorry. You all get the short end of the stick.
One of the nights I stayed with Kelly... we got sexual and all. Basically... She touched me. And I cried.......
Why? I told her it was the "I've only gotten off with another person once" thing and that I was nervous. But it wasn't. I felt like I was cheating on Julie. I cried... because Kelly.... wasn't Julie.
Ju would take me back. She would leave her home. She would deal with not having enough money to buy groceries. She would deal with the pain and torture and drama.... To be with me.
I wrote this entry to try to convince myself that I was past her. But those tears... But the feeling I get every time I hear her voice across the static lines... But every time she crosses my mind... I know I'm not.
"Mal... I will never love anyone again like I love you... as much as I love you."
I don't know what to do. I don't. Someone just make the decision for me. This is my dream! To have Julie back and all... But we both have changed. And she can't guarantee me she'll never leave me again. I hate hate hate hate HATE living without her. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like home.
Julie... She was it. In most cases.. she still is IT. Part of me wants to call her right this very second and say, "Look. Find an apartment. One bedroom. We're moving out and moving in. I want you. I want you now. I love you. I'll love you forever."
Why am I not picking up the phone?
Because she'll be screwing up her life for me. She'll lose her family... her car... her education... her financial security. For me. Just to get me. Horrid, terrible, ugly, selfish Mallory. The worst thing I could do to her... is tell her to be with me. Fuck this!!!