1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
fucking drunk and ranting.....
i'm drunk and things are not going well.
julie hascancer. literal out and out cabcer. malignant melanoma. yeah... doesn't sound pretty, huh? chemo is supposedly starting in two weeks... unless she has a skin graph. or whatever.
and kelly. i feel so disconnected from her. all i want is that little touch or that little "i love you" or that little kiss that tells me she loves me or she misses me or she needs me. i so need her. i so love her. and i need that validation from her that she wants me and/or loves me and/or needs me. that's it. she says i'm being clingy. i'm not wanting her all over me 24/7. just that little bit of something. so i confront her at the most inconvienent time. and tell her how i'm feeling. within five minutes.. she's grabbing me and making out with me on top of the dryer.... what? to throw it in my face? or to show she really wants me? i wonder if she's attracted to me. if she's just staying mith me because we have this apartment and these bills and this life. i hope not. i pray not. i want not.... i want her.
things going bad.... my car's transmission is fucked. completely. julie has cancer and it hasn't hit me yet. she's drinking every night so she doesn't have to think about it. kelly and i haven't had sex in a week and she blames it on her knee. kelly my have to have surgery on her right knee. torn cartilage. we find out monday. the apartment is a mess. a fucking tortuous mess. i have no money. broke as broke can be. and my panic attacks. so often. four in the past week. one massive on at work friday night. massive... horrid. cassie has a new girlfriend that she really doesn't like. and kelly treats me like a friend. when i don't want that... i want to be loved. my mother says all i do is hurt her. and my father is just the prick he's always been.
my girlfriend is drunk so we can't drive home tonight. i want to have ex and then sleep... in my own bed!!! is that horrid to ask? i don't know.
all i do is apologize and make excuses. nothing is getting better. nothing is like it used to be. whaere is it going? what is going on? i don't know...