1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
Biting my Tongue
"I don't want to talk to you anymore;
I'm afraid of what I might say.
I bite my tongue everytime you come around,
cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground."
- "Blood on the Ground", Incubus
Yup. Pretty damn much. Uh huh. Ooooh yeah. *agrees*
I've talked to Julie some in the past week. Only on the phone, of course. Remember my June pact to Laura! Anyway... And in the past week, she has called me sexy and told me she misses me. Like, the relationship me.
I try to tell myself she didn't break up with me because she wasn't attracted to me anymore. But... But the point that she says she doesn't love me enough... everything just flies out the window. Attration. Compatibility. Normal conversation. That shit just doesn't matter anymore... since she doesn't love me enough.
She says I sound different to her.
"You sound different. Like... Not my ex-girlfriend, Mallory."
"I'm still the same ole Mal, Ju. And I'm your friend, Mallory. 'Ex girlfriend' has such negative conotations. It's like saying, 'Hey. There's my ex-girlfriend, Jenny.'" (her horrid, horrid ex)
"Oh. Okay."
Anyway.... I feel fake when I talk to her... Because it's constantly on my mind that I love this girl... she broke up with me... and now we're both trying to date other people... Yeah. So I watch what I say. I watch my emotions. I watch what I say to her emotionally. Because I don't want to hurt anymore.
I started crying at FedEx tonight... And I was in a good mood, too! But I was singing the lyrics to "Yours" by Blues Traveler...
"She, who is wanting me
Whose touch can make me cry
I can only understand
By never asking her why
Hear the contradictions fly
And as hard as I may try
Every truth becomes a lie
In the ache of her reply
I am passionately... yours."
And I cried a bit while I was inducting. Then I got mad at myself.. because I'm still letting songs that remind me of this mess make me cry. Fucking grrr.
Blood on the ground from biting my tongue so much. That extreme may just be getting close to becoming reality.