1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
Conglomeration...
Depression is the one thing that will stick with you no matter where you go. It'll follow. It'll lead. It'll even take you by the hand and walk as your equal.
But right now... It's dragging me down its curving, hellacious path.
I can't make it go away. I don't want to go to work... Hell! I've "called in" at least four times in the past two weeks... including last night. I can't get the motivation to clean the fucking apartment... unless, yes... a friendd is coming over with illegal substances. Then, you know, I just throw everything into one of the bedrooms and slam all of the dirty dishes into either the dishwasher... or the bathtub. I'm broke... probably because I'm not going to work. *sigh* I am a fucking mess... and it's all my fault.
And... I'm going to DC in two weeks. Mind you... It'll only have been a month by then that Kelly's been gone. After I get back... She'll still be gone for three more months. Yes... yes. I am so excited to go... and see her... and talk with her in person... and sleep with her.... Make love to her... But then I'll come home. By myself. To that godawful apartment with the godawful broken blinds and the ugly ugly ugly futon in the middle of my living room.
For some reason... Cassie comes to mind too. It's getting frustrating... really... disliking her so much and all. She didn't go to Kelly's going-away party. I've been told that it's safe to go to a birthday party this weekend because she won't be there. And... she was in DC... and Kelly refused to see her. Kelly just... doesn't like her right now. Don't get me wrong... This pleases me and all considering the past few months. But.. I don't know. They'll become friends again... which is fine. I just don't like being uncomfortable around her. Cassie and I will never, ever be good friends. Believe me. But I'd at least like to get past the avoiding each other completely and move into polite silence when around one another. That I could work with. Shit.... She doesn't even know that Kelly and I are back together again... as together as we can be when 14 hours apart. Then again... She probably does. Alicia's BFF and all.
I don't know what's going to happen. I hate that. Not that anything can happen.... but knowing anything can happen. Kelly and I, I mean. She told her mother that unless she finds the love of her life up in DC (oh dear gawd NO!)... that she's going to come back and move in with me and we're going to look for a house together so we have a backyard for the dog. I almost started crying when she told me this. I love her. I really do. And I know I've said that before and all... But sometimes... You just know things. And I know so so so few things. This one. Is a cinch. Let's hope it is for Kelly, too.
I think this is enough for now. I didn't even get into to the mini-arguments with my parents. For another time, I guess.