1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
I said Goodbye for the last time.
I just hurt her. I just hurt her more than I ever have. I regret hurting her. I don't regret what I had to do. I had to walk away. I had to say goodbye and mean it. I had to tell her I'm not in love with her anymore... that I've changed... that I don't think it's possible for us to be together again... that I love her but I don't... that I questioned how in the hell could I be the One for her if I could hurt her like this. I didn't cry. I felt like a fucking humungous weight had been lifted off my chest.
I tried. I tried to push those evil, evil thoughts out of my mind. I tried to tell myself I was still in love with her and that that would get us through anything that may have come our way.
What has happened tonight has nothing to do with Kelly except it made things move along faster. I wasn't being fair to Kel. I wasn't being fair to Julie. I wasn't being fair to myself.
Things could be great with Kelly, I know. Amazing, I'm sure. I told her that. I told her the other day while we were sitting in the park, "If you just give me some time, I could be great with you." She stayed awake through the "Patience is a Virtue" Sunday School class, mind you. She's willing to give me time.
I've never said out loud before that I'm not in love with Julie. Until tonight. She heard it first. She and I heard it first together, actually. It just came out. And it shocked the hell out of both of us. It hurt her. It set me free. And I feel like the shittiest person in the world for saying that.
I was lying. I was lying to her. I was lying to myself. No more lying. No more trying to make things work when undoubtably... they won't. She even told me that when I get my shit straight to give her a call. I won't be a-callin'.
I'm losing a great, great friend by doing this. But there is no possible way for us to be friends. None. None whatsoever.
She told me I'm the most selfish person she's ever met. Haha... I told Kelly the same thing tonight. That I'm horribly selfish and to not like me. She let it go. She blew the comment off like it was nothing. Like she saw my potential.
If things don't work out with Kel, at least I know now it'll be because it's between me and Kelly... and will have nothing to do with Julie. This....... relieves me. Immensely.
I'm doing to HIV/STD blood testing tomorrow. I don't think I've mentioned that in here. It's just one of those things every sexually active person needs to do. I have exchanged fluids with six people. The thought of one of them makes me nervous. I need to get this done. Kel is going with me tomorrow. Then we're going to eat at Colton's. Yay! New girlfriend to show off!
Drama. Drama. Drama, I know. *sigh*
I need sleep. I can finally sleep.
And to you.... I'll know you'll read. I apologize again. I didn't want to. Words are not enough. I had to. I did. No more.