1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
The longest damn day ever!
Such a long long long long day yesterday. And I'm going to write about it. Mind you, I'm sober... So this won't be as well written... Or rather... It may not make any sense. Bear with me.
Aside... I just had to run frantically outsdie and roll my windows up. It's raining hard. I'm soaked. Ug. Back to the show...
Okay... Skip to lunch with Amy. We ate.. or rather she ate. We talked about money and Steve and Julie and Kelly. I told her all about my crazy weekend with the club and coming home late and the dinner Kel cooked for me... Anyway... I get a phone call. Julie.
Her first words... "I fucking hate you and I never want to speak to you again." Yeah.
I knew right then she had read this diary. And, yeah... I knew it would happen sooner or later. Hell! She checked it today. Andrew, I love you and your statistics counters! Anyway... And we end up talking for 45 minutes on my cell. Twenty at Backyard burger. Fifteen of so while I was sitting in the parking lot at Fred's. And a few minutes here and there while Amy drove my car. In one conversation... She went from hating me to declaring her undying love for me. That she didn't really care that I smoke(d) pot. It was that I lied to her. Ah. I see now. In the stages of grief... From anger straight to bargaining. The girl works fast! I started crying in BackYard Burger when she asked, "Mal, what do you want right now? Right now?" And I stay silent because the first thing that flashes through my mind is, "I think I want Kelly." Then I think some more... I want Jules to love me no matter what. She can't.
She wrote me two emails. One before she read my diary... explaining exactly how she felt about me... all good stuff. And then after reading (all the way back to our breakup)... she wrote this... (*She did tell me not to read this when she called...)
Forget the message I just sent. I don't want you anymore and I do not want to talk to you again. I asked you to be honest and all you have done is lie to me. I wanted you back so bad that I even told my mom that I was going to talk to you whether she liked it or not. I got blown off, lied to and shot down all in the same three days. I dont want to ever see you again. I hope you go back to jail and I hope that you have fun fuckin your life up. Just when I started to think that you were the one I couldn't live without and knew that I would never be happy with out you. I cant stand you. You were gonna make something of yourself and now you are back to the same place you were in. We never had a chance of making it cause you have no will power. I WISH you had more of it. But there I go again wishin. bye.
See that bold part? Yeah... Her throwing that particular wildcard at me made me say some unprintable things to Amy about this damn situation. Whew... mean shit, yo.
Just wait. It gets better!!! Get comfy.
So Kel calls. And I agree to meet her at Overton Park. I get Amez back to Steve's and head out. Omg... I get lost. So goddamn lost.... I'm crying. I'm frustrated. I'm angry at Julie and Poplar Ave. And Kelly doesn't have a cell phone. Shit. Julie calls me some time in there... Just to tell me she loves me. And I tell her I'm in Midtown to see Kelly. Ya'll... I can hear her heart break over the phone lines. I softened up some. Mind you... not much. I tell her she hurt me. And that I was angry at the moment at trying to drive. I think I told her to call later. I'm not sure.
Finally Kel calls me from a payphone and we find a place to meet up. We sat in CK's for a bit. Coffee and Coke. Nasty, nasty hashbrowns. Then we make plans to go over to Overton. As I'm following her there... Jules calls.
*whew* Just to say hello. Just to interrupt me. She caught me at a good time. I happen to be by myself. Yeah... We made plans for the 19th. (I'm off Fed that night.) And we came to the conclusion that Julie isn't able to be with me. She loves me. She even went as far as telling her mom she wanted to spend time with me. But she can't. Won't. She also says she's not going to call me again.. I have to call her. Whatever. Details, details, details. Kelly and I make it to Overton... and Jules keeps me on the phone. I swear, Kel is the best. She stood outside my car and waited until I was finshed. When I stepped out... she just enveloped me in this great big bear hug! Julie left my mind for the first time in seven months. I feel so horrible saying that. Then I looked at Kel and said, "I think I just got over Julie...." Shit. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!!!
Kelly and I walk around the pond and sit next to the water. We talk about family, society, exes, STD testing, friends, her roomates, Fed... All while I'm leaning up against her... Her stomach to my back. I told her that if she just gave me some time.. I could be great with her. She said patience is her talent. Bugs attacked us. We moved. And she held me hand as we walked and walked. Past adults. Past kids. She held my hand. We found a less buggy area and resumed conversation. We talked about kids. She wants to adoupt. I want to go through pregnancy. And we talked and smoked and sat tummy to back.
After fifty gazillion bug bites... We head back to her car and over to her apartment. We chill and chill. Shit. She walks into the bathroom and sticks her head under the shower. To cool off, you know? I'm chillin' on the bed... minding my own business and all. And she walks back into the room... dripping... and shakes her head wildly like a cute but scruffy dog would. Drenched me. Soaked. And I truly laugh for the first time in a week.
We leave for Fed. Kisses and kisses goodbye. I had a message on my cell from Julie. She stated that she would be able to live with whatever decision I make. I didn't call her back. I called Laura and said, "So it's just that easy. Don't call her? No way!"
Aside... I just happened to look over as Lucy peed on the damn carpet. Fuck!
So I didn't page her back. I went to fed and saw Kel at the smoke hole. Worked. Worked my ass off at the plane. We were over in some bumblefuck area of the ramp. Got to my car. Four missed calls. Four voice messages. *sigh* I hate being so goddamn popular.
Two calls from Jules. One from Laura. One from Kelly! (from within Fed!!) I paged Julie only ecause she said it was an emergency and she was at Alisha's. Laura called to give me more moral support. And Kel told me to call when I got home.
Anyway... Ju never called back. I went to breakfast in OB with Kelly. The poor girl had a knot the size of Texas on her knee fro hitting a dolly pin. Aw.
I got home at 6 am. Yay me!
Julie called this morn and said the emergency was that Alisha was bleeding last night and most likely has lost the baby. I waaaaay overslept and missed Colton's entirely. Oopsie!
And now I'm stuck... but only on a few things. I'm obviously not doing the 19th (sex) with Julie. I can't. Can't. Not fair to either of us regardless of how much we want it. But I don't know whether or not I can talk to her. I don't know. Dammit... I don't know! I have to think. But I don't want to. I like Kelly a lot. I love Julie.... but I think differently. we have both changed so, so much in the past month and a half.
I get it. When I was gaga and crazy for her.... and wishing her back... She was the one walking away from me. And now... She's gaga and I'm walkin'.
And I know Ju will read this. I'm sorry. It's my personal diary. Regardless of all of the above, I do love you. I just... can't even tryo to be with you. I'm not really sure I want to be anymore.... Shit.