1. A disease, a disorder, or an ailment.
2. An unwholesome condition: the malady of discontent.
Knowing it'll make things worse...
This is an email to Amy who was supposed to come and visit me in Memphis last weekend... or some time this week. She lost her cell phone.
hey. i'm not sure why you haven't gotten in touch with me about coming to see me in memphis. i'm trying my damnest to not get angry or hurt in case there is a good reason. i really need my best friend amy. things are just going to hell. with bills. with kelly. with the apartment. i need hugs or ben and jerry's or something. maybe just to talk with someone face to face and be able to scream comfortably in front of them. kelly is literally not talking to me right now. doesn't call me and doesn't want me to call her. and i really don't know the outcome of that situation. i try not to overthink it too much. i applied for some days jobs. and i started taking my meds again. i've overdrawn my account dramatically... twice. but that's getting worked out. just when i'm trying to start over... everything keeps getting in the way of me getting better. and it's very, very frustrating. and i can't get in touch with my best friend. i can't get to the library every day... and it doesn't matter. you haven't mailed me since last week anyway. please get in touch with me. email if you like... I'll stop by here and check it probably saturday or so. just kindly tell me what's going on with our plans... if there are any.
Thanks Amez,
Mal
Yup. It's true. Kelly doesn't want to hear my voice right now. At all. Period. And it hurts. It sucks. And the worst part of all... she's either angry or apathetic towrds me. She'll literally tell me what I want to hear (ie. "I love you." or "You're right.") just to get me off the phone. Is her problem that I'm dependent on her? That I'm having an unstable time right now? That she's not having a good time so listening to me not having a good time just downs her more?
But isn't that one of the duties of the girlfriend? To support? To listen? To tell you to calm the fuck down and get a job and take your meds? But is it to force them to go away when they need you so so so so much? I don't know.
I applied at a couple of places. Outback is the only real prospect. I have a 2nd interview with them tomorrow at 2:30. I think it will most likely result in a job. I'll be there at 2:30 and if they don't offer me a job... I'm going to try a couple more restaurants down Poplar. Chili's and stuff.
Anyway... I'm sitting here in the library staring off into space thinking about Amy and Kelly and jobs and bills and stuff. I have absolutely no plans tonight... Wait! Survivor is on tonight. That helps. And I'll probalby just take a nap after that. It's really going to be hard to not call Kelly tonight before I leave for work... but knowing it'll just make things worse is going to have to keep me from doing it.
I just need things to get better very very very soon, okay?